


Snap, Crackle, Pop

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, DO NOT BE MISTAKEN THIS IS SHITTY CRACK I WROTE AT 1 AM, Hand Job, M/M, Swearing, please save yourself by not reading this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-12 22:47:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7952242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hinata is giving Kageyama an aggressive hand job when a sickening crack shakes the room.</p><p>Kageyama once read that approximately 2 people die every second (the setter has a lot more time to look up useless shit like this than Hinata, mostly because he doesn't have any friends), and in that aching silence he guesses that, by statistical probability, Donald Trump could be one of those people. This fact comforts him in these dire, desperate moments.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snap, Crackle, Pop

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my, I woke up and read this and I hate myself, so I wanted other people to perhaps read this and collapse in second-hand-embarrassment at my failed attemps of humour as well. Enjoy, I guess?
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. this is my first work and I actually wrote some other serious stuff, though I may never post them as I feel insecure. I am only posting this because crack normally doesn't require clever writing (which I don't possess) but the utilisation of humour and shock (neither of which I can do), so idk. Please click out while you can.
> 
> P.P.S. pretty sure most of these hits are from me lmao bye

Kageyama throws his head back and pushes his hips forward, forward, foward...  
He supposes the deep moaning _sounds_ are coming from within his own shaking, burning body, but it is long past the line of fucks that the usually quiet volleyball airhead gave.

"F... Ahhh... F-Fast.. er... Shit-a-ass!" 

Hinata grumbles something under his breath and wraps his hands around firmer, bringing his hand down harder around his husbando's dick like fucking Thor or some Donkey Kong type shit.

Kageyama's moans become higher and higher as he rocks back into his shoulder, begging for something he can't remember.

 

-When a sickening ( _dick_ ening amirite) crack shakes the room.

 

Kageyama once read that approximately 2 people die every second (the setter has a lot more time to look up useless shit like this than Hinata, mostly because he doesn't have any friends), and in that aching silence he guesses that, by statistical probability, Donald Trump could be one of those people. This fact comforts him in these dire, desperate moments.

Meanwhile, Hinata delicately pulls back his hands to whisper rushed prayers to Lucifer-sama.

 

 

 

 

 

For Kageyama's dick has fell off.

 

The ginger had applied so much force that the pressure had turned Kageyama's dick into coal.

Into coal.

_Coal._

It _broke off._

Kageyama screams.

 

##

 

Somewhere unknown (a.k.a. the dark, moist kitchen floor, Iwaizumi Hajime's house, 1:42 am), a dark figure jerks awake, head swinging wildy left and right, nose sniffing (for the blood of his next victims?), until it collapses back onto the bed of poptart wrappers, whimpering. 

It stands up (albeit with great difficulty), and staggers over to the stained (with moonlight and literal dried tears) window, leaning its forehead against the cool glass.

"Tobio-chan..." Oikawa whispers into the silent night, mother-senses tingling, "I will c-"

"WhAT htE FUCK??"

 

##

 

"Tooru Oikawa, arrested September 4th for breaking, entering and stealing a Shrek butt plug and various sweets. Do you object?"

 

##

 

And on this night, a tear-stricken mother (with a new throbbing bruise from his own husband, who claims he has never seen this man in his life) was thrown behind bars for a total of 23 minutes until a young man with mysterious and tired eyebrows reluctantly bailed him out.

Tooru's wails were joined elsewhere, with a harmony of despair (Kageyama) and hilarity (Hinata).

## **_Epilogue_**

Physicians and doctors global are, to this day, puzzled over Kageyama's stump rock dick, and Hinata breaks up with him in favour of a volleyball which fits up his ass.

**Author's Note:**

> pls kill me, if anyone has read this all the way, I apologise for creating such shit that you came across it and felt compelled to read it. thank you? Please forget this ever happened.


End file.
